The Advice Man Cometh Back

Have you ever faced an ethical dilemma that left you torn between doing "the right thing" and what you really wanted to do? Unfortunately, friends and family members are no help, typically discouraging you from your preferred path with negative comments like "That's a bad idea," "You'll never get away with it," and "Why on earth would you bust into a hotel room brandishing a gun to get back sports memorabilia from a guy you sold them to?"

What your loved ones don't understand is that sometimes you don't need sober, thoughtful advice (which, frankly, you can get anywhere); at such times you want someone to listen to your quandary and then confidently encourage you to go ahead with whatever ill-advised plan you've already settled on anyway.

In that spirit we welcome the return, once again, of "Ask Malcolm," the only advice column that provides just the kind of counsel you can't find anywhere else, often for reasons of legal liability.

Now, on to the mailbag:

Dear Malcolm,
I'm a junior in high school and my parents are going away this weekend. They told me I couldn't have any friends over, but I'm thinking about throwing a little party - just maybe asking a few of the popular kids at school to come. Frankly, I'm something of a social outcast, so I'll do anything I can to make friends. I'd clean up any mess we make, so my parents would never find out, but I'm still not sure about disobeying them.

Signed,
Debating in Denver

Dear Debating,
Do you want to be part of the " in" crowd or don't you? This is the perfect opportunity to improve your social standing at school, and you're questioning what to do? Maybe that's why you don't have many friends. If you're concerned about uninvited guests, just be sure to ask the "cool kids" you invite not to tell anyone else at school that they're going to a party at your house this weekend with no adults around. What could go wrong? Have fun and let me be the first to say, welcome to the popular crowd!

Dear Malcolm,
First the good news - I've fallen in love with an amazing woman. Her name is Candi and she dances at a gentleman's club I frequent. I've only seen her once, but it was love at first sight. The bad news is that my wife of 27 years found out that I spent over $1,000 on flowers and gifts for Candi, and is demanding that I never see her again. Although I've never actually spoken to Candi, I know she feels strongly about me from how she looked at me on stage and how much she appreciated my gifts. I truly believe we're soulmates, but I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - what do I do?

Signed,
Struggling in Saskatoon

Dear Struggling,
It's time for someone to face the hard facts and that person, unfortunately, is your wife. Instead of criticizing you, she needs to take a good look in the mirror. Maybe if she'd taken better care of herself over the years and paid more attention to your needs, this wouldn't have happened.

But it did, and with such wonderful results! Congratulations to you and Candi on your deep connection. Call me a hopeless romantic if you must, but I believe that true love always finds a way. So while your wife does some much-needed soul-searching, you keep following your heart - and wallet - to that club. You've found something special, and you don't want to risk losing Candi just because of your wife's pettiness.

Dear Malcolm,
My son returned from college this Thanksgiving and shocked us all by "coming out" of the closet. Naturally, as his father, I'm angry and want to know what happened and how to solve this problem.

Signed,
Upset in Ypsilanti

Dear Upset,
Unfortunately, you and your wife probably are to blame in some way. During your son's childhood did you ever:
- Let him play "dress up" in girls' clothes?
- Give him figure skating lessons?
- Let him watch the Teletubbies?

But what's done is done. Thankfully, this is probably a "phase." Your son just hasn't met the right girl yet. That's why you need to make up for lost time by setting him up. Bear in mind that after his Thanksgiving "declaration," he may not appreciate your efforts, so be subtle. For example, you and your wife might  invite him out to coffee and then show up with a prospective girlfriend in tow. Keep at it and I'm sure you'll get him on the "straight" and narrow!

Confidential to Worried in Waxahatchie: Don't be a nervous Nellie. It's just a little lump - forget about it and it will probably go away on its own.