No Cure For The Wandering Eye

SEX!!!       There, now that I've got your attention, I'd like to talk to you about this week's topic, which is... Sex! Or, even better, celebrity sex.

It's a well-established fact that celebrity sex is the best, most interesting kind of sex there is. This is why people get so excited over reports of a new celebrity sex tape, whereas finding out that your neighbors have made a home sex tape mostly produces regrets about deciding to participate in the neighborhood watch program.

Lately, however, there’s been something rotten in the otherwise perfect world of celebrity sex. Scandalous infidelities involving big names like Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, Jesse James and even Larry King have rocked the nation's faith in our top stars' ability to remain faithful, not to mention their failure to master a basic concept like “deleting” text messages.

Upset by all the revelations, frustrated Americans have been asking questions like, "Did Tiger really think he wasn't going to get caught?" "How could anyone cheat on that nice Sandra Bullock?" and "Who on earth is having sex with Larry King?"

Here I should probably dispel any concern that I'm only tackling such a salacious subject because I know that my column will generate more online traffic if it includes keywords like "celebrity" and "sex." Because if that were my aim, I would also drop in terms like "naughty nurses" and "buxom blonde beauties," but I have far too much integrity for that. Oh, and also "hot horny housewives."

Anyway, all the recent celebrity misbehavior has renewed the age-old debate over why men, particularly high-profile men with attractive wives, so often stray. The answer, of course, is the same reason given by mountain climber George Mallory who, when asked why he wanted to climb to the top of Mount Everest, famously replied, "Because it's not my wife."

Ha! Just kidding! (by which I mean, "spare me your letters"). But the fact remains that virtually all men are driven, on some level, to seek out new sex partners, whether they are involved in a committed, monogamous relationship or not. I'm not saying that all men act on these urges, but I am saying that no man ever walked down the aisle thinking to himself, "Thank God, from this day forward I can finally limit myself to having sex with just one woman." Except maybe Larry Craig.

Science tells us that there's a biological component to men's straying behavior, and the culprit, not surprisingly, is testosterone. It turns out that serial philanderers like Tiger Woods and Jesse James and other "alpha male" types tend to have elevated levels of testosterone coursing through their, um, extremities. This theory is supported by a recent primate study in which researchers injected testosterone into the male partner of a mating pair of chimpanzees, and within less than a week the female was already chasing him around the lab with a five-iron.

Despite the - ahem - mounting evidence of men's biological drive to infidelity, some women seem determined to believe that cheaters can be reformed. This willful self-deception is likely based on a misplaced desire for control. Because if a wife can blame her husband’s affairs on something she’s responsible for – her recent weight gain, too much nagging about household chores, frequently using the expression, "Well, as Oprah says..." - then she can still make changes and perhaps refocus her hubby’s wandering eye. But I’m sorry, ladies, you’re just going to have to face facts and realize that if your man’s a cad, it’s not your fault.

So what am I suggesting? That it's hopeless and women can do nothing to keep their men from straying? No. The solution is for women to start choosing different men, and stop getting involved with all those testosterone-driven skirt-chasers. Sure, I understand that there’s a primal sort of attraction to the kind of handsome, roguish men who tend to become successful actors, rock stars, professional athletes, humor columnists, etc., but that doesn't mean you have to act on those attractions.

Will this be easy? Of course not. Training yourself to pursue men who are less viscerally stimulating will take time and effort. To facilitate the process, try repeating the following phrases:

"Tell me more about this fascinating World of Warcraft character you've created."
"No, a ride up the coast on the back of your Harley doesn't appeal to me."
"The empty Mountain Dew cans really give your parents' basement that lived-in feel."
"I'm busy Sunday night. You’ll have to find someone else to accompany you to the Oscars."
"Let me try opening that pickle jar for you."
“Larry King? Eeeeew!”

Before long, you'll no doubt find yourself happily involved with a man who wouldn’t think of stepping out on you. How could he, when he never leaves the house?