Generally speaking, I don't like to give Adolf Hitler a lot of credit, but for one specific reason, I can't help but tip my hat to the man. You see, a common problem among most evil dictators is that there's no simple, easily identifiable means of impersonating them. I mean, how do you wordlessly demonstrate that you're "doing" a Josef Stalin impression? Or Idi Amin? Not even the much-reviled Saddam Hussein lends himself to ready imitation.

But that's where Hitler stands out from the crowd. Thanks to his uniquely-fashioned mustache, Hitler gave everyone who came after the ability to embody the essence of evil by merely holding a single index finger to the upper lip. On a moment's notice, that's a hell of a lot easier than trying to find, say, a barber's pole and a cooking pot to "do" Pol Pot. And who wants to carry around a little red book everywhere, in the off chance you'll be called upon to do an impression of Mao?

So to Hitler I say, you committed unspeakable atrocities and will rightfully remain the ultimate representation of the greatest evil ever perpetrated. But at least you did it your way, with a ridiculous-looking, easily mocked mustache. And for that, we all owe you a debt of gratitude.

Does anyone else out there think that the word "smegma" sounds like the name of one of the giant creatures Godzilla used to fight in those low-budget Japanese monster movies?

"First he battled Mothra, then he fought off Gamera, and next he grappled with Megalon, but now Godzilla faces his greatest nemesis ever in... Smegma!"

Actually, since Godzilla was male and (presumably, considering the logistics of the matter) uncircumcised, there's a definite possibility that he did have to deal with the problem of smegma. Whether that struggle would make for a good movie, eh, I'm guessing not. But faced with a giant ball of the stuff, threatening to coat the city in a thick layer of disgusting ooze, I bet the citizens of Tokyo would rather take their chances with Godzilla.

Come to think of it, I don't remember ever finding out just what that giant mass of stuff was in the movie The Blob. Hmm...

"Heroes" star Hayden Panettiere apparently has a tattoo on her back that reads, "Live Without Regrets" in Italian. The only problem: the tattooist misspelled the Italian word for "regrets." And while she has, not surprisingly, caught some flak from the usual crowd of celebrity snarksters for the mistake, I prefer to think that this "error" was actually committed on purpose as a meta-demonstration of the seriousness of Ms. Panettiere's resolve to follow the sentiment expressed in the tattoo itself.

Then again, I might have given more thought to this tattoo than she did.

I'm so happy that Safeway and other retail establishments have become so generous that, when I'm checking out, they often offer to let me contribute an extra dollar on top of the purchase price, to be donated to the charity of their choice. What thoughtful, kind retail conglomerates they are!

In fact, inspired by their generosity, I have instituted a new policy for myself. Whenever I encounter this situation, and the clerk asks whether I'd like to make a donation, I respond by saying, "Of course I would. But instead of me giving an extra dollar to Safeway, how about Safeway takes a dollar off of my bill, and I can then donate that dollar to the charity of my choice? It works out the same in the end, right?"

Shockingly, no one has taken me up on my offer yet. But I'm sure they will soon - they're very generous corporations, after all. 

We’re hearing that about $165 million of the billions in government bailout funds shipped off to AIG are going to bonuses for employees of the same AIG division that created the whole credit default swap industry that helped bring the international financial system to its knees. AIG’s president said there’s nothing the company can do, since AIG is contractually obligated to pay these bonuses. Hey, a contract’s a contract, right? Unbreakable, which is why no one has ever cut out early from an apartment lease.

But what I want to know is, what kind of great contracts are these that the people who drove the company into bankruptcy are reaping all kinds of financial rewards? What do you have to do at AIG to not get a bonus?

Boss: “Bill, I’m sorry to say that we’re not going to be able to give you that $10 million dollar bonus this year.”

Bill: “What, this is an outrage! Why not?”

Boss: “Well, Bill, your sales figures were down compared with last year, and you took more sick and personal days than you were allotted. Plus you were caught embezzling $176 million in company funds. And, of course, there was the not insignificant matter of gunning down most of the other members of your office.”

Bill: “I can’t believe this. I’m not going to take this sitting down. I’m calling my lawyer. Guard!”