Going Round Again In 2010

If for no other reason, 2009 will long be remembered as the year that, all things considered, we'd just as soon forget. Oh sure, there were bright spots - the nation's first black president rode into office on a wave of optimism, YouTube siren Susan Boyle struck a blow for homely people everywhere and pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger bravely landed a disabled aircraft in the Hudson River, forever earning his place as the greatest hero in American history named "Chesley."

But mostly 2009 turned out to be a big stinker, as "hope" rapidly turned to "nope," sunk by a steady tide of bad news: an ongoing recession, two wars, the Swine Flu pandemic, Wall Street bailouts, government scandals, the spectacle of Tom Delay dancing - the list goes on.

So rather than pointlessly shouting "You lie!" and demanding to see a birth certificate from a year that couldn't tell the difference between an Appalachian Trail hike and an Argentine booty call, let us instead deflate the oversized Mylar balloon labeled "2009" and look ahead to the events we'll be feverishly tweeting about in the 12 months to come:

January 14: Buyers of Sarah Palin's 413-page memoir "Going Rogue" file a class-action lawsuit after discovering that the former Alaska Governor stopped writing her memoir halfway through, opting to fill the book's last 150 pages with moose recipes.

February 8: In an ironic twist, Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman is upset to discover that, as a result of a health care bill amendment he sponsored, the Senate health plan will no longer cover loose jowl syndrome.

March 7: After winning the Best Director Academy Award for Avatar, James Cameron holds his Oscar aloft and shouts, "I'm the king of Pandora!"

March 24: Pop sensation Lady Gaga and 80s hair band Kajagoogoo team up to form Gaga Googoo and score a number one record with a remake of Amy Grant's hit song "Baby, Baby."

April 5: In an effort to reduce health care costs while simultaneously stimulating the economy, the administration proposes combining the "Cash for clunkers" program with the idea of government-run "death panels" by offering $5,000 to any family that agrees to pull the plug on an elderly relative.

April 28: In what some refer to as a blatant attempt to boost flagging ratings, Jay Leno admits during his monologue that he is also sleeping with Tiger Woods.

May 11: Demonstrating a previously unknown level of sophistication and daring, Somali pirates successfully attack and board a British submarine, a French destroyer and the Russian Soyuz spacecraft.

May 31: Intercepted intelligence transmissions demonstrate that the Iranians have yet to develop a working nuclear device as a result of “difficulties downloading and installing the Windows Vista patch."

June 9: In a stunning coincidence, the first season of Britain's Got Animal Talent is won by Susan Boyle's mangy, unattractive cat, Pebbles.

June 30: In an development that many feel could dramatically reduce the nation's health care costs, Nintendo releases Super HomeSurgery for the Wii game system.

July 7: The trend of unfortunately-named conservative groups that began with the so-called "Teabagger" movement continues with the rise of three new right wing splinter groups:
- NRA activists who, by punctuating their arguments by pretending to "shoot" into the air with their hands, come to be known as "Fingerbangers."
- Western-state based activists who, because they believe that we shouldn't "saddle" the next generation with a huge deficit, choose to go by the name "Barebackers."
- Fiscal responsibility hard liners who demonstrate their opposition to wasteful government spending by dramatically throwing around pieces of lettuce and, accordingly, refer to themselves as "Salad Tossers."

July 22: After years spent fruitlessly trying to close California's $50 billion budget shortfall, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger instead decides to take advantage of widespread drought conditions and torches the state for the insurance money.

August 16: Nebraska senator Bill Nelson pulls support for the health care reform bill when his colleagues refuse to include a government subsidy for hairpiece replacement.

August 28: The New Moon-inspired vampire craze that peaked in 2009 finally recedes, replaced by a surge in interest in angst-ridden teenage gnomes.

September 13: Reality television achieves harmonic convergence when, in the midst of the live American Idol finale, Jon Gosselin and Octomom Nadia Suleyman are married onstage by Ryan Seacrest. Simon Cowell describes the ceremony as “trite, predictable and tedious.”

September 26: Kanye West once again jumps onstage to interrupt the MTV Video Music Awards. But this time, in the midst of his drunken diatribe, Kanye is himself interrupted by Taylor Swift, who grabs the microphone and says, "Kanye, I'm happy for you, and I'm a let you finish, but last year's interruption was one of the best interruptions of all time."

October 20: Osama bin Laden is captured in the remote regions of northern Pakistan after successful efforts to infiltrate the Al Qaeda leader's inner circle by the nation's two newest undercover operatives, Tareq and Michaele Salahi.

November 2: The integrity of the American voting process is again questioned when the Supreme Court intervenes to declare that the big winner of the 2010 elections is Adam Lambert.

November 17: Middle East peace negotiators reach a breakthrough when Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas agree to become Facebook Friends.

December 6: Apple unveils the iUD, the world's first wireless birth control device that can also hold more than 1,000 songs.

December 31: After more than a year-and-a-half of debate, Congress finally passes health care reform with genuinely bipartisan support when officials agree to tack the bill on as an amendment to "must pass" legislation raising Congressional salaries.