And The Record For Worst Parenting Goes To...

Last month, the nation was riveted by 16-year-old Abby Sunderland's attempt to become the youngest person in history to sail around the world solo, without the benefit of a motor, other crew members or parents with enough sense to stop her.

As you no doubt recall, Miss Sunderland fell short of her goal when her boat capsized in the middle of the Indian Ocean, necessitating a last-minute at-sea rescue that cost the Australian government approximately $300,000.

Perhaps surprisingly, the Aussies were perfectly willing to take on the expensive rescue mission.

"Well, we do experience winter when you have summer, and our water flows down the drain clockwise instead of counterclockwise," explained Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. "So as a nation of opposite-minded people, it makes sense that we were delighted to spend hundreds of thousands of our tax dollars and risk our lives to save a spoiled American teenager with no business being out on a boat in the middle of the ocean by herself chasing an idiotic world record."

Those of us in the American media were equally delighted with this story, albeit for different reasons. You see, we pundits relish any opportunity to express our superior judgment and moralize about the shortcomings of others. And if there's horrible parenting involved, all the better (see "Heene, Falcon aka Balloon Boy" and "Jackson, Michael: Balcony dangling incident").

So, naturally, we in the press reacted to Abby's rescue by shifting into full disapproval mode, uttering our requisite "tsk tsks" at her awful, misguided parents. "Who thinks it's a good idea to send a teenage girl across the ocean by herself like that?" we wondered, never considering that they may have had a perfectly good reason, such as that they'd been driven half-insane by her incessant chattering over those damned Twilight movies.

Of course, the real driving force behind much of the criticism is not that Abby Sunderland tried to sail around the globe, but that she failed. Had she broken the record, we would have celebrated her in our typical over-the-top fashion, probably with a hometown parade in her honor, interviews on all the morning news shows, "Abby Sunderland Day" at Yankee stadium and an invitation to date Hugh Hefner.

Frankly, I can understand Abby's urge to become a record-holder. Like many kids, I grew up fascinated with the Guinness Book of World Records, and spent hours exploring this bizarre catalog of humanity's extremes. I remember poring over the book's pages, dreaming about possibly breaking all kinds of records, whether for stuffing the most grapes in my mouth at once, standing on my head for the longest stretch of time or - admittedly, less likely - gaining enough weight to tip the scales at over 1,500 pounds with my long-lost motorcycle-riding identical twin brother.

I even remember thinking to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool to break the record for skipping rope?" and actually trying to do it. But then, in the midst of my attempt, I thought to myself, "You know what would be even cooler than breaking the record for skipping rope? Watching TV." So as it turned out, I just barely missed beating the 14 hours, 38 minutes record by a mere 14 hours and 36 minutes.

But Abby Sunderland is smarter than I was, since she only wanted to become the youngest, not the fastest, solo sailor to cross the globe (she also had the wisdom not to bring along a TV). In this, she's part of a larger trend toward youth-based record-breaking, whether in the fields of sailing, mountain climbing, piloting airplanes or, my favorite new category, cigarette smoking. Here of course I'm referring specifically to Ardi Rizal, the two-year-old Indonesian boy who recently gained international renown when video went viral of young Ardi sitting on a toy truck casually puffing away like some sort of preschool-aged Teamster.

True to form, we in the media reacted to little Ardi's smoking by re-mounting our high horses and condemning his parents. Are we right to criticize them? Of course - smoking is a dangerous habit that no child should be engaging in, and parents who enable a toddler's two-pack-a-day habit can be justifiably accused of child abuse. But on the other hand, much like Abby Sunderland, Ardi "The Marlboro Boy" Rizal is now famous, and how many two-year-olds from remote Indonesian villages can you say that about?

And who knows, if the rumors are true that Abby's planning another go at the sailing record, she might ask the Guinness people if she can bring little Ardi along. Not only could he keep her company, but the Australian rescue squads would probably appreciate being able to use his lit cigarette as a beacon.